Teasing Multiracial Children For Their Hair: Our Story

Becoming a parent, a mom especially, is unlike any other road one walks in life. It’s at both humbling and empowering, communal and isolating, heart-wrenching and purposed. It’s a life changer, that’s for sure. And for those raising multiracial children, parenthood brings about its own set of experiences.

For the last few months, I’ve noticed a change in my daughter that – although I’m ashamed to admit – has been horrifying to watch. And I know what she’s feeling, growing up in an environment where you’re always “different”, because I went through it myself. Yesterday, after I picked my child up from school, as she hopped out the door, waved good bye to her friends, chatted about her day in the car; once we were back at home, after I made her lunch and returned to the kitchen to make my own, she turned around and said to me, “[name withheld] made fun of my hair today. He said, ‘look at your crazy hair. hahahaha.'”

Shocked, I asked her what she said. As she put her head down, barely audible and crying, she had told him that his remark wasn’t nice and it hurt her feelings. I asked if she told the teacher, and she said no, that she only wanted to tell me. A few minutes later, her dad came home and she recounted the same story again without prompt. Daddy D responded like a typical dad would, but what startled me was Alina’s reaction: “Don’t say that about [kid]!! He’s my friend!”.

Yesterday, my daughter was teased about her curly mixed hair and somehow internalized that friends are expected to behave that way. In my angst, I turned to my online community. There are 3 issues I see here, and none have to do with the little boy that teased Alina (not directly, anyway). Combined with the advice from readers, this is what I heard…

My biggest worry from this experience is that Alina defended this type of behavior from a friend. In our desire to parent our children with compassion and equality, we’ve failed to teach her that some behavior is just mean and not be defended or tolerated. Especially as a woman, and a woman of color, I don’t want my kid to defend jerk people – and certainly not at her expense. As my dearest (and only?) male friend – who is also of mixed backgrounds – wrote, “growing up as a kid who was picked on and who got in fights over it, you tell them the truth, I think. You tell them those kids who are picking on you are the ones with the problem.” I completely agree – no longer will I parent with a blanket philosophy on kindness. I don’t expect my grown daughter to take jerk behavior from a man, so I very well won’t advice my toddler to take it from a little boy.

Secondly, watching my child bow her head down, deep into the recesses of her little being, to barely tell me her pain and not have the confidence to express it to her teachers, kills me. Period. I can accredit this shame ridden behavior to one reason, and one reason only – in her environment, she’s “different”. Actually, in pretty much every circumstance in her life, she’s different. And it takes a lot of courage to embrace the things that make you stand out. One reader said, “we live in London, you see mixed race everywhere, no one blinks an eye. I wouldn’t teach her she is different.” And while I agree – we are all one race, the human race – people like to see differences. Everyone has something and kids like to pick on them. I practice a positive parenting philosophy with a focus on multiculturalism, so when Alina sees differences, she reacts with curiosity – not shaming. I choose to see differences, embracing what makes us unique.

And the third thing, when raising my multiracial children, I won’t pity them. And you shouldn’t either. Last night, Alina didn’t wait in line as we walked into the a special screening of Frozen, a Disney film that won’t be released until Thanksgiving. She had candy and popcorn, and was dancing her heart out while sitting on my lap. She came home to snuggle with her dad on the couch, listening to us chit chat until she fell asleep on his chest while the fireplace kept us warm. She slept all night in her queen sized bed in a safe house and was awoken by her brother, smothering her with kisses.

She’s brown with curly mixed hair and she is one blessed little girl.

In the most supportive sense imaginable, I want to tell you one thing – get over it. I am thankful that you shared with me your experience. Being teased is never your fault. You are beautiful – brown skin and curly hair. You are beautiful. And now, after we’ve talked about it and cried, we’re moving on. People make mistakes, others are just mean, but YOU are not controlled by others. So. We’re moving forward.

Also. As a brown Latina, I married your dad knowing that beautiful dark brown babies would be born. I made you on purpose. You are not an accident. I think you are more beautiful than any other child I could have bore otherwise. You, and your skin and your hair, are on purpose. So I won’t pity what I created – nor should you. Your pain is real and justified, but I’ll pick mine up so that I can help you move forward with yours.

Now and forever.

I love you fiercely, Alina. And determined and faithfully. I promise to be the respite you need, the place were you can cower, so that the world can watch you flourish and command the respect your physical beauty deserves.

Te quiero por siempre,

Su Mama