Interracial Relationship Advice: Can You Survive An Interracial Marriage?

After being told by her daughter that she wanted mixed babies because they’re the cutest (insert sigh), a friend of mine asked me what I thought about being in an interracial marriage. Specifically, she wanted to know how I would advise her daughter should she one day marry a black guy. I was a little taken aback, but the truth is this isn’t the first time I’m confronted with this kind of question. I didn’t want into this thinking “I want an interracial relationship”. I just wanted a partner in life.

I used to coach a high school soccer team at a local private school. One of my players came rushing up to me before practice to express how angry she was at her parents’ reaction when she admitted her latest crush with the school’s only black boy. “You married a black guy. You know how wrong that is!”, is what she said to me. Again, in shock, I was at a loss for words. I was mad at this young girl’s parents, I was mad at her for bringing me her race baggage when I have enough to carry. I was disappointed at my friend for even suggesting to me that her daughter marrying a black man was something so scandalous that she, the girl’s own mother, couldn’t give her appropriate marriage advice.

For those two inquisitors, and for those reading this now, if you want to know if you can survive an interracial marriage, the first thing you should do is…

Listen To Your Parents

Because truly, their initial reaction is the best indication of the kind of heartache you may or may not encounter as an interracial couple.

I’m not saying to do what your parents tell you to do. I’m not saying to run from love because it’s interracial. What I’m saying is to survive in an interracial marriage, you need to do a lot of listening, with a tremendous amount of restraint, and realize that the real world doesn’t operate within the love bubble you’re currently in.

 5 Qualities That Keep Interracial Marriages Afloat

I come from a family legacy riddled with divorce, so I’m not going to say Daddy D and I are immune from it. As a couple, we are the strongest that we’ve ever been. But life happens, I get it. If the unfortunate d-word were to occur though, I can assure you it would not be because we are in an interracial marriage. In the near 10 years of being together, and in celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary this month, there are certain qualities and bits of knowledge that we’ve leaned on to survive and succeed as an interracial couple:

Don’t Be Angry: Daddy D is my definition of self confidence. Not only is that sexy, but refusing to let anger dictate your actions is an incredible skill to possess. You’re always smarter in hindsight anyway, so let go of anger and move your focus to education and positive thinking.

Listen Passively: You might be inclined to defend your interracial marriage, but I would urge you to also listen to what others are saying. Albeit passively, listening will help you weed out the toxic influences in your life (and there will be some) while catching bits of advice that warrant pause. The world can be a crazy place; closing your ears to challenges you’ll face, even if hard to hear, isn’t advisable.

Show Respect: Daddy D and I, in addition to having different skin colors, come from two very different cultures. Outside of our nucleus, those differences can present issues if not handled with utmost respect. No one is above that expectation. Daddy D is proud of his African American roots. By not honoring his culture, we would have surely seen harder days. Treat your individual legacies with respect and your union will benefit.

Those That Matter, Always Will: They might piss you off now, but family and friends that matter most almost always will. Dealing with race in America is a strange thing; one that many people just don’t know how to do. To survive as an interracial couple, you learn to decipher between who are fundamentally opposed to interracial unions (or straight up racist) and those who are concerned with the unfamiliar challenges that you’ll face. Practice restraint in your judgement, as those people that love you most will always find a way of coming around.

Act Like Everyone Is Watching (because they are): This blog is about building a family legacy of an interracial couple. And while I know not everyone that lands here is tolerant of such decisions, I will never (ever) speak poorly of my family. Call it fake if you’d like. But to flourish as an interracial couple, we act like everyone is watching and looking for our faults. My marriage is a sanctuary of intimacy that, perhaps because of our differences, is protected in our common goal of raising the most kick-ass, stable family legacy either of us could have ever hoped to build. We can’t do it alone. We need each other.

A+S,

To my most beautiful babies given to me from the love of my interracial marriage, may you find the richness of companionship that your father and I have found in each other. Undoubtedly, your marriage will also be interracial, which is such a freedom for me. I could care less what your future mates look like. I don’t care what their religion is. I don’t care how they vote or how much money they make. This is what I do care about…

Alina, I hope your future spouse honors you in a way that only a husband can. I hope he holds you so high that your beautiful curls sit among the clouds. I hope he honors me, and the other women in his life. I wish for him to be gentle and kind. I wish for him to work harder than he talks. I wish for him to know and honor himself, and to walk this earth with the quiet confidence that your father does.

Sebastian, I want your spouse to also honor you. But as a man stays strong for the world, I wish for your marriage to be a place of respite – a safe place for self doubt, tears and fears. You have a strong black man as your father, who has a committed woman that backs him unconditionally. Find a woman that has your back, my son. With her, you can accomplish anything.

Te quiero y te adoro por todo mi vida, mis babies,

Su Mama

When I met my husband ten years ago, I won’t deny seeing his race. His bright, white teeth grinned at me, making a high contrast to his gorgeous dark skin, before he sat beside me with an introduction and a drink. Love at first sight feels cliche, but between his radiant smile and hours of non-stop conversation, I was hooked immediately. Interracial marriage was not a consideration back then – a stable and fulfilling marriage was my only concern – but it’s now a huge part of my identity as a woman and mother.

According to the 2010 US Census, more than 5.3 million marriages in the U.S. are between opposite sex couples of different races or ethnicity. Interracial marriages make up one in ten unions, signifying a 28 percent increase since 2000. While these numbers are small, compared to the 56 million marriages performed each year, they’re growing steadily. The gradual increase begs to question if interracial couples are more alike than race suggests.

 

Indeed, there are significant differences between my husband and I. As a bicultural Latina with immigrant parents, language and culture are of importance in my marriage. We obviously look different, too. And the biggest challenge of interracial marriage is always presumed to be on parenting our multiracial children.

But would you believe me if I told you we’re more alike than different?

What sustains any relationship is the ability to find and nurture its foundation of common values. My husband and I succeed because of our goals, our love of family and our dedication to each other. We love to travel and want to do so with our children. We’re spenders who want to be savers and cheer each other on towards financial goals that matter to us. We come from divorced homes, giving us distinct perspectives on honoring marital vows. Ultimately, I married an African American man because of the person he is – the commonality in our value system – and not because of our differences.

The interracial marriage challenges we face are real, but they seldom originate from within. While studies have shown a growing acceptance, interracial marriages are still not the normal pairing and we often feel confronted with our decision: what about the children? How do you understand each other? Couldn’t you have married within your own race?

Sure, I could have married within my own race and culture. But the question should not be if I could have married a Latino man with similar values, but whether I would oppose loving someone because they aren’t.

 

The Maya Angelou Poem That Began My Interracial Marriage

Our Wedding Story: Celebrating 5 Years of Marital Legacy