On Ray Rice, Ferguson and Raising Multiracial Children

When you’re overcome with worry or have too much to say, how do you respond? Do you fight, or fly away? I envision myself as an ostrich, sticking her head in the sand, letting the weight of the earth push her eyelids down, choosing not to see the ugliness that is bound to impact her world – my children. I take flight. I never fight.

After the incident with Ray Rice, coupled with the heartache of Ferguson that never really healed after the acquittal of Trayvon’s murderer, I finally decided to add perspective on raising (black) sons. At eHow, I discuss how family values should govern the way we parent our boys to, not just respect and love women, but themselves. And, today on DSM, I’m flushing everything else out… because the sand is filling in on me and there’s so much beauty in the world to see…

On Ray Rice & Teaching Boys To Love Women And Themselves

The other day we were at the pool with the kids. Mom, Dad and two children, who hardly made a sound as they stood in awe at the chaos and noise enjoyed by 5 other kids accompanied by their mothers. One mom was exceptionally loud and her kids were even more so, which didn’t bother me until her youngest acted out (he pushed a toddler into the pool) and the mom went BANANAS (although she had been ignoring his previous negative behavior, aka cues for attention). She blasted the 6 year old, labeling HIM (not his actions) a bully. Of all the loaded words out there, this mother chose to cast her son as the ultimate threat to modern day classrooms. I was shocked.

Well, there’s a word you will never find me calling my son.

As I mother my daughter, there’s no shortage of lessons in self love and self worth. But what about our boys? Especially our black sons? Aren’t they worthy of lessons on loving who they are, the values they stand for and the morals that ultimately teach them not to hit women (or be a bully)? I’ve got a mouthful on the topic, actually.

On Ferguson And Keeping Black Sons Safe

I wrote a few posts on the topic of Ferguson and the shooting of Mike Brown – and then I deleted them. I wrote an article for another online publication, which ultimately wasn’t published. And that’s okay… the weight of what happened in Ferguson and the idea that keeping my black son safe from undue violence is sometimes beyond the words I have.

I’m still constantly taken aback that one day my son will have to learn hard life lessons as a black man. Even being married to a black man and with hours of conversations on what that means to his personal identity, I wasn’t prepared for the magnitude of hurt I feel when considering the words I’ll say to my son, tailoring his skills to include “how to stay alive in ‘post-racial America'”. Words like, “no matter what, keep your hands visible.” Or, “it doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, just keep your mouth shut.” Sometimes, to survive as a multiracial mom, the ostrich in me chooses to stay stafe beneath the cool, calm earth.

Here, in these images, I see my children with their arms stretched out, high above the sun and the light and towards an awe-inspiring future filled with dreams that a beach sunset offers. Is that what you see, too?

On Raising Multiracial Children

I don’t claim to be a know-it-all on parenting – far from it, actually. My kids are young and I have a long road (God willing) to walk in this path. But, combined with my professional experience in social services, my willingness to lean on the opinions of friends who are therapists or child education experts and my innate skill (curse?) to question everything, I’ve learned so much about raising multiracial children.

And at this present time, our lives are not designed to reflect the values I find most important in raising mixed or biracial kids.

We aren’t blanketed in culture. We don’t live within diversity. There is no amount of language immersion to aide my kids in their future identities. And I’m sick to my stomach about it.

There is no one to blame but me and my husband. We’re the architects of our middle class American lifestyle. While we have a stable marriage and home, we don’t live paycheck to paycheck (a claim we couldn’t always take stake in) and we’ve succeeded on many levels, I want more for my multiracial kids. Each day the sun sets, I feel ready to shift the tide on our life and set sail towards a more purposefully designed lifestyle.

A+S,

Te quiero tanto, mis amores. I hope you always know that. I also hope that your dad and I find the courage to do what’s next – to do what’s right – for your upbringing. Only time will tell, but I promise that no matter what we decide and how our lifestyle changes in the coming months, you will be at the heart of every decision.

Te quiero siempre y con todo que tengo,

Su Mama