How To Choose A Wife: Love Letter To My Son

In honor of Our Wedding Story: A Legacy of Interracial Marriage celebrations, DSM’s Therapist Expert is writing a letter to our sons on how to choose a wife. I’ve wanted to write this letter to my son since before he was born, but I think Jermaine does an awesome job at telling our boys exactly what matters when making this huge decision. Our DSM Expert offers great advice, from a dad’s perspective, on a choice very critical to a man’s life.

Dear Son,

Ok buddy, I can’t choose who you marry, or if you marry.  You’ll be responsible for making your own decisions on who to be with, and how to be happy.  However, I will give you some tips on how to choose the best mate possible.  It starts with you actually making a choice.

Are you the “picker” or the “pickee”? I believe that relationships work out better when the man is the picker. We tend to have trouble with settling down for one woman, so when a man does choose a woman to settle down with, it’s more likely that he’s serious.  Sometimes it’s a mutual thing that just sort of happens, and that’s great.  But from my experience, being picked doesn’t create the same energy as meeting someone and saying to yourself “I want her in my life”.

Teaching Sons How To Choose A Wife

These are the qualities that I believe are most important:

Trust – Not just fidelity, but do you trust her to handle your heart with care. That means you don’t worry about her using your flaws and vulnerabilities against you.

Loyalty – She loves you not only when you’re doing well, but also when you’re struggling or not feeling good about yourself. This is a person who’s got your back when you’re up against it. People won’t talk bad about you in her presence, because they know better.

Compassionate – She cares about how people feel and shows it. She doesn’t like to hurt people, and is affected by seeing someone hurt. Her heart is a warm and spacious place.

Accepting – You feel comfortable being your whole-authentic self with her, because you know that she likes and loves you the way you are.

Authentic – There is no facade with her.  She is her real self, regardless of who’s around. You feel like you really know her, and others that are around her feel the same way.  She will also give you honest feedback about yourself, without trying to hurt you.

Sense of humor – Knowing how silly you are, whoever you decide to be with must have a hearty sense of humor and love to laugh. Plus, laughter is something that joins people and facilitates closeness.  It’s like a deposit in the relationship bank.

Looks vs Personality – She can be the most gorgeous woman in the world, but if her attitude is ugly, her looks won’t matter anymore.  As a matter of fact, after a while, she won’t look that good to you. In the words of Steve Harvey “For every fine woman, there’s a man somewhere who can’t stand her ass!”  It’s amazing how a beautiful personality and positive energy can make a person seem more physically appealing.

Common interests – Couples can last without having common interests, but your chances are better when you do. When people share interests, they understand each other a little bit more. Conversations are rich, and quality time is more enjoyable. Similar to laughter, this is money in the bank.

Values – When your relationship gets serious, having similar values becomes much more important.  Whether it’s religion, money, education, parenting…conflicting values can wreak havoc on a marriage.  One person may be frugal, while the other is a big spender.  If one person is college educated and the other is a high school drop-out, this could create problems once the novelty in the relationship has worn.  Find out what her family is like and her experience growing up.  How will you raise kids together (if that’s in your plan)?  Imagine if she’s a permissive parent, but you’re strict and authoritative.

Like I said before, these are just some helpful tips. Choosing a mate is no exact science and you’ll have to experience some things for yourself.  I’d prefer you to find a nerdy girl…someone who is intelligent, creative, and enjoys the simple things in life.  But really, I just want you to find someone who loves you for you.