My Mothering Struggle Of Today Is Her Success Of Tomorrow

Mothering. It’s no joke, my friends. Only four years ago – a snippet of time in relation to the length of our lives – I was a mom to a baby. Two years ago, I had two babies. But today, my eldest seems less like a baby and more like a kid… and my mothering needed some serious tweaking.

I’m a very linear, serious thinker. I zone into my realities and obligations, crossing off items as I go along, rarely looking up to enjoy the fruits of my labor. This blog has actually changed my life, in terms of practicing acknowledgement and gratitude. Raising baby Alina was no different. I literally drew check marks and dates beside every milestone she met in my parenting book. I wanted to be the best mom to my baby that I could… and so I did what I know how to do. I studied.

But four years later, Alina is no longer a baby and her needs are changing. Her development is calling for a type of parenting that I’ve never done before. After all, I’ve only ever mothered babies. I realized that I was struggling to parent my daughter the way I aspired to. So, I studied.

Instead of studying books or asking friends though, I studied my daughter. She was frustrated with me, always mad at her brother and whining more than humanly possible. I also took note of my initial reactions of her negative behavior, which was usually frustration and anger too. I’m so grateful for all my years as a social service worker, and the many years honing my observation skills. When I took the time to observe – really study my little girl – I realized she needed me in very different ways than she did when she was a baby. If I wasn’t paying attention, if I wasn’t studying, how much further would I have let this behavior fester without updating my parenting style?

She isn’t a baby.

She needs independence.

She needs to feel, first hand, how today’s struggle becomes the euphoric feelings of success that tomorrow brings.

From a cultural standpoint, I know all kinds of moms, and by far, in my experience, Latina moms are the most over protective and controlling bunch I know. And I love it. You won’t find apologies and excuses here. I govern my child’s life, keep them safe and well mannered, hold high expectations and tuck them at night. They adore me and need me because that’s the energy I transfer onto them. I feel incredible ownership and pride in my children – unlike anything or anyone – but Alina is not a baby anymore and my mothering needs tweaking to accommodate her development.

A month ago, I ran an experiment: I let my baby grow up a little bit. And then, to my surprise, amazing things happened.

It started with getting her to fall asleep on her own. At 4 years old, we were still “snuggling” until she dozed off. She was hysterical at first, but I strongly encouraged her to repeat these 3 things: “I’m safe. I’m tired. I want to go to sleep.”. I was stern, yet loving, and told her that she will fall asleep on her own (she’s almost 5 for goodness sake!) and that I believe in her ability to do so. She was crying as I walked out of her room, whispering her mantra of affirmation as I left. I went straight to mine and cried too, thinking of the many struggles I’ll push her into as she grows into the amazing woman I expect her to be.

Mothering. There is no dress rehearsal for this kind of stuff, people.

It took one day – one morning of celebration – to find that yesterday’s struggle was worth the success of today. Especially as a mother, as the woman responsible (at least in-part) for who this little girl will become, I finally realized… Alina isn’t a baby anymore. She can do anything she puts her mind to, as long as I’m supporting her.

Since that morning, I’ve continued to say yes to my growing child. Yes to her running ahead of us, out of sight, because I have to stay back with her brother. Yes to a half day summer camp where neither of us knew a soul. Yes to standing on one side of the car, far from the safety of my grasp, while I’m on the other side buckling my boy in. Yes to making a sandwich all on her own, even if doing it together would be fun.

I’m also encouraging more risk lately. I’m encouraging her to pull down the ceramic plate, knowing that if she fails, injury and mess ensue. I’m encouraging her to buckle her car seat buckles, teaching her the importance of proper placement of the chest clip and making sure the straps don’t twist. I’m encouraging her to climb into her brother’s crib to soothe his crying and tend to his needs.

All this climbing, running and general lack of control has me sweating bullets, but it’s what my daughter needs. My very overcautious girl needs to struggle to learn how to, ultimately, succeed. And so, I mother.

My sweet Alina,

I am shocked to see how giving you a gentle push into success has changed your behavior. Like a light switch, you are no longer battling your brother. You feel strong and secure in your older position in our family and are finding so much love and kindness in your heart towards him. Watching him tuck under your offerings of comfort is more than any mother could ask for. My heart cannot grow more full than when I see the love between you two flourish.

This transformation has been nothing short of a miracle and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize what you needed sooner.

You are my baby girl and will always be but, as your mother, I will push you towards success and excellence. I’ll push you so that when you are old enough to do so on your own, you won’t be afraid. You’ll know how to fall face first into a challenge and define the success of that path according to your own values. Without some failures and struggles, we wouldn’t be able to celebrate successes.

I love you more than you’ll ever  know. Or maybe you will when you have your own children and get to see how hard motherhood can be. I hope you smile when you read this letter, more than any other I’ve ever written you. I sucked as a mom there for a little bit. I wasn’t prepared for you to become a not-baby… it happened so slowly, yet quickly, and you kind of grew into a kid overnight.

Te quiero por siempre mi hija. Todo que hago es para ti.

Su Mama