It’s quite common to hear parents say “all that matters is that my kids are happy” or “if my kids are happy, then I’m happy”. I probably say it as much as anyone. While this is true to an extent, the opposite proves to be true as well. Yup! Your personal well being significantly impacts your child’s happiness.
When parents are doing well, they are able to invest more in their children. They have the patience and energy to deal with typical day-to-day challenges that come with raising kids in this modern day society we live in. Happy parents are able to give their kids the love, attention, and guidance that they need to thrive.
But life is hard, right? So what is a parent to do when he or she is struggling? How do you still give your kids what they need, when you’re feeling overwhelmed by heartbreak, grief, bills, and other life stressors? Here are a few suggestions for parenting through hard times…
Parenting Through Struggle
Acknowledge that you’re struggling: Just being real with yourself about what you’re going through will can give perspective necessary to make better parenting decisions. It’s very easy for parents to over react to normal kid behavior, or take things personal without considering they’re operating on a half-tank.
Remind yourself that of your limited reserves, allows you to be more mindful about how you respond to situations at home. With self-awareness, you can then choose a more reasonable way to deal with parenting challenges.
Get support: Whether it’s a friend to vent to or someone to babysit for an evening, enlisting a loved one’s help can give you a breath of fresh air and help you to regroup. It can also give your kids a break if you’ve been moody. This models for the kids how to utilize support systems. If you’re not able to maintain your normal day-to-day tasks, you should seek professional help from a therapist or doctor. It’s the healthy thing to do. When you’ve always been the family superhero, it’s hard to ask for help. But remember, you can give your cape a rest. You can still keep the S on your chest.
Make time for play: Our kids help us in ways they don’t even realize. They give us a sense of purpose and reason to keep pushing. Doing fun things with your kids can serve as a distraction from the rat race of adulthood, while also strengthening your bond. Play is the universal love language for kids. You’d be surprised how much a quick 20 minute play break could impact your child’s happiness and yours as well.
Take a few minutes to sit down with them and watch whatever they’re watching, play what they’re playing. Your presence and attention alone sends the message that they are important to you. Even if you have to force a laugh or smile, it’s worth the effort. Give yourself an excuse to be silly or goofy…if for no other reason, just to make yourself laugh. It’s even better if the kids laugh too.
Be kind to yourself: I’ve come to accept that having guilt is a natural part of the parenting package. However, too much guilt can undermine your wisdom and effectiveness as a parent. Prioritize the most important tasks and funnel most of your energy towards those. If you usually prepare home-cooked meals, you may have to eat out more than you’d like, until you have more energy. The house may not be quite as clean as usual, but homework is complete. Some parents might benefit from running a tighter ship…and this is ok. The kids won’t die because they have to help out with chores. This could in fact help you to reserve energy for some quality time. Just don’t expect things to be great, when you’re not feeling great. Having compassion for yourself will lead to more compassion for your kids.
Talk about it: What kids lack in understanding, they make up for with intuition. They can sense when something’s bothering you, so keep it real. Don’t completely break down in front of them, but it’s ok to let them know that you’re not feeling well. Kids tend to internalize things, especially when they’re left to guess what’s going on. Reassure them that it’s not their fault. For younger kids (elementary age), just keep it simple. Being honest about how you’re feeling in the moment is much different than using your kids as confidants. They need to know that life has its ups and downs, and you keep going until things get better. If nothing else, serving children in the capacity of a Marriage & Family Therapist has taught me that kids are more resilient and forgiving than parents think. Let them know that you’ll be ok…and they’ll be ok.
Life is hard and you’ll never be perfect. You’re going to have ups and downs. You’re going to make some mistakes, especially when you’re stressed. They’ll grow up and remind you about these mistakes when convenient. And guess what? Your kids aren’t perfect either. They’ll also have ups and downs…and you can’t save them from life.
What you can do is model wellness and resilience. Show them how to bounce back from adversity. Your children’s happiness depends on this! Healthy, happy parents tend to raise healthy and happy kiddos. So the next time you’re parenting through struggle, remember that’s ok to take care of you.
