Personal Identity Project: Mother Martyr

Mother Martyr Syndrome

Becoming a mom has transformed my personal identity. In ways I never expected, giving birth to Alina has given birth to who I want to become. I committed an unimaginable amount of time and energy to Alina’s upbringing. Whether for her physical development or the strengthening of our bond, everything about my personal identity was about her identity. I started this blog for her – to document our family legacy and create a place of personal identity for her to lean on.

As the blog has grown, so has my love for it and this mission. And as the blog created more of a work load, and we had our second child, the beginnings of a mother martyr took shape. I continued to give my all to my kids by protecting them, teaching them, exposing them to as many wonders their world could hold. Oh ya, we bought a house in that time. And I’m pretty sure I still had a husband.

I was exhausted. Especially this past month, I’ve started to wonder if my identity had become more martyr than mother. Have you felt that way?

Personal Identity Evolution

I’m not a new mom anymore. I’m more confident of my ability to figure things out. More importantly, I am infinitely more confident in my child. Especially in her third year of life, I am learning to let go, watch for her strengths and trust that she will show me her weaknesses.

I’m not scared, but I’m still exhausted. And with each work-filled day that passes, I am becoming less of the mom that I want to be. I’m short on patience and quick with temper. I yell. They freak out when they see me in front of the computer. Instead of a time to commune, meal time has become a time for me to quickly edit an image or do keyword research. Sebastian is such a different baby than Alina was, whose vocabulary is so obviously less expanse than Alina’s was, and I can’t help but think its my fault. I’ve failed him, and his life has just started. All in the name of legacy.

My ambitions have skyrocketed and my blog is flourishing, but my mothering has tanked. Even more so, I feel physically unhealthy. For once since I started this project, the thought of shutting it down crossed my mind. Doing so would also shut down a part of my soul that I wasn’t ready to let go of – not for my husband or my kids. But, to keep it, I would need to make some serious changes. I also realized that I’m not a martyr after all. I’m only human, as it turns out, and I was exhausted.

As I was writing this piece, unsure of how it would end, an old family friend sent me this picture via my personal Facebook page. I started to cry almost instantly. How would she have known I needed this photo, to remind me of how my legacy started – with a mom overjoyed and proud, unaware of the struggles to be thrown at her? My mom tried being a martyr mother, and that didn’t work out so well for her.

I’ve decided to make some changes in my identity. Instead of giving them more, I’m taking some for me – not for my work or for my kids – but for my health and sanity. And with some changes to the budget and our daily priorities, my hope is that you see the Vanessa of old, with new energy, creativity and focus. Because, the truth is, I love this blog. I love my readers. I sincerely love the brands that DSM supports. Giving it all up wouldn’t make me a better mom in the slightest bit, and my kids deserve the best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mis Hijos,

Not for one second on this beautiful earth do I regret any moment I spend with you. I adore waking up to you, I adore tucking you in at night. I honor my responsibility to understand the person you inherently are, while tending to those characteristics in a way that will create the best harvest in life for your future. And while you think I’m an old fart now, you should know that I am not. As young as I see my mom, your Abuela, in the photo above, I am too. My body is young, my mind is feverish and my desires to leave my mark on this world has been awakened by your presence. Your life is your own, and I promise to push you to experience it fully, but I have to live mine too. I will always be your mama. I will always be your shadow. The sun just needs to shine on me a little bit, too.

Te quiero, mis babies,

Your forever loving, but not martyr, Mama