Personal Identity Project: Mother to Men

Could I love A Man?

This Personal Identity Project post has been brewing within me for a long time, and with my son’s first birthday only a few days away, I felt like the time was right to explore the question: could I love and nurture and raise a boy to be the type of man that I respect? If you asked me a year and a half ago, I would have said no. Because of so many reasons, I didn’t think that skill set was in me.

A year and a half ago, I was pregnant with our second child and unknowing of the gender. All we ever wanted was a healthy child, and thank the Lord above we are blessed with two, but when asked if I wanted a boy or a girl, I would secretly wish for another girl. Even today, there are times when I catch myself saying, “I love my son, but another girl would have been so much fun”.

I just don’t understand boys. Without being girlie, I am the ultimate girl’s girl. I love my girlfriends; couldn’t survive without them. I find community amongst women, and have never really connected with men on similar levels. My husband is the only man that truly knows me and likes me, and that I truly know and like in return. Not love – but like. I would choose him as a friend any day of the week.

But, as fate would have it, I was destined to become a mother to a man. And now my legacy rests in his…

You Get What You Need

The first year of his life, I have watched my son in awe, noticing every gender stereotypical difference between he and when his sister was that age. I wondered when the disconnect would happen; when I wouldn’t know how to love him because he is a boy and so very different from me. And you know what happened? Not that.

Like his father before him, my sweet son has healed parts of me that I had no idea were broken. In him, I have hope that the man he grows to be is the gentle, loyal, stable creation that all my love and energy strives for. In that focus, I have been able to release so much of the anxiety and anger festered deep in my being. Never in my life do I want my son to walk in a path that he isn’t destined for, simply because I don’t have the courage to release the pains of my yesteryear. So, I mother Sebastian as I would mother Alina – stern and stable in my discipline, fierce and constant in my adoration, forever instilling an appreciation of the values that matter most to me.

My journey through motherhood is still new; I have so many experiences yet to come that will alter my personal identity. Especially as a mother to a boy, I have barely scratched the surface. But I truly believe that you are given, not just what you can bare, but what you need. And having fallen head over heels in love with a boy, I can assure you that what I will forever need in my life is the love and affection of this little young man…

El Sol Mas Brilliant de Mi Vida

My dearest Son, my Sun, my Sebastian:

First off, I promise to never ever say that having another girl would somehow been better than having you. That is simply not true. Your Mama was just too dumb and scared to realize that having boys in her life is infinitely more exciting. In any case, you are exactly what I NEED.

I am learning everyday how to be a good mom to you, my son. Whereas with Alina, we could play quietly, I know that you need to bang on things and tear things down. My need for quiet is thrown to the wayside, knowing that your need for exploration is ever growing. I am grateful to have had you second, too. I know that having some motherhood experience under my belt makes me more flexible in child rearing. I am probably a much happier and confident mom, and hope that you feel that assurance as you continue to grow.

More than ever before, I am grateful to have chosen your father to build this life with. In my worry to be enough for you, my tranquility rests on his shoulders. If and when I fail you, when I can’t find the words you need, I want you to lean on your dad as I so often do. He is everything I want you to be. And I know that he wants even more for you. I promise you: in his guidance, you can trust.

I love you, mi Sol. Por ahora y despues, I am blessed to be your mom. A mom to a man. Undoubtedly a great one, too.

Te quiero por siempre,

Su Mama