Multiracial Children, Hair Care & Why It Matters

Taking care of mixed hair is not easy. I won’t pretend it is. But apart from the beauty of various curl patterns and textures that a mixed child is born with, curly mixed hair is also a product of interracial relationships, and raising multiracial children, in that you have parents with one type of texture taking care of children with another type of hair texture. Add the incredible differences of hair culture and I can see why so many questions are presented.

But does hair really matter? Does all the time and love tending our mixed kids’ hair truly make a difference to their biracial identities and ultimate happiness? I believe it does. And doesn’t.

Mixed Hair Care: Raising Multiracial Children

While D and I were away in New York, my mom stayed home with the kids. The tradition has always been for us to travel to California right after Christmas to spend some holiday time with our families, but since Abuela was already coming to Christmas in Vegas, she we asked her to stay a bit longer to watch our babies. It was a huge blessing, as that trip was also the first time Daddy D and I left the kids…together… overnight; knowing my babies were in their own home and with my mom really allowed us to take this trip together.

As our NYC trip went on, like many good grandmas do, my mom would send us pictures of the kids. I made sure to leave Alina’s hair washed, deep conditioned and tied in banded ponytails the night before we left. I figured she would “do” her hair. At the least, tend to it.

All my mom had to do was let the curls out, maybe separate a few curls, but every single picture she sent had Alina still in those same banded ponytails, with the hair around her hairline a mangled mess. Finally, going into the third day, I responded, very annoyed, “For the love of God, please do my baby’s hair!”.

She didn’t respond. And I felt horrible. Here I was, 3000 miles away on a trip with my husband, and I had the nerve to go off on my generous and loving mom – about hair?

The next communication I received from my mom later that day was a series of these pictures….

My mom’s boyfriend had reached out to some friends here in Vegas and arranged for Alina to learn about horses (my daughter is an animal LOVER). Still in her banded ponytails (errr), adorned with a blue flowered headband, my little girl was having the time of her life…

Mixed Hair Care: Does it Really Matter?

Suddenly, seeing my child on top of that horse, knowing in my heart that so much more was happening in her development than the curl formation of deep conditioned hair, I had to wonder if mixed hair care really mattered that much. I also realized that I have my own hair baggage to wrangle with.

But, as fate always has it, while in NYC and contemplating how important hair should be to the parenting of biracial children, I started to get these email notifications…

A little 11-year old girl had commented on my post on ringlet curls. I approved the comment but couldn’t respond right away. When I didn’t respond to her question quick enough, she started to comment repeatably (always polite and sweet) on every other post in my Curly Mixed Hair Care Series, making statements that Alina was lucky to have me, that her mom didn’t know how to do her hair, and that Alina’s hair would “grow long” and was beautiful.

My heart broke for this little girl, and the emotions I felt as an 11 year old girl with unruly, unkempt curly hair came flooding back…

Dear sweet, beautiful little 11 year old Mia,

Of course your hair matters! Alina’s does too, and every other biracial girl that has interracial parents that might be struggling with their curly mixed hair. But, I want to tell you this, your hair is not the issue – our society’s very limited vision of beauty is the issue. I have no idea who you are, but I fell in love with your polite, assertive (and adorable) disposition and I want you to know that those qualities are more important than what your curls might look like. I want to urge you, even after tending to your hair to make it healthy, to turn those qualities towards something that really matters…. host an art gallery, enter a science fair, play a soccer game, help a younger kid with their math homework…. ride a horse.

Yes, learning to manage your hair, taking control of your body, feeling empowered and in love with who you are on the outside is important – because those things really do impact the type of woman you’ll grow to be – but they are not the only things that matter. By far, hair should not the most important thing that matters in your legacy and identity.

And sweet Mia, I also want to tell you not to be too hard on your mama. Being a mom is the most amazing job, but it’s not always easy. No doubt your mom loves you, just as my mom adores me, and in worrying about a child’s safety, nourishment and well being, I can see how hair is the last thing a busy mom might be worried about.

We’ll be in California soon enough, celebrating Alina’s 4th birthday, and my mom plans to be right there with us. My plan is to physically put her hands in Alina’s hair and teach her the basics to tending to it – it’s really not a mystery – so that she can feel the pride in her granddaughter’s beautiful curls too.

Mixed hair care is important to raising biracial and multiracial children because self image in important to everyone. Taking care of their curls shows them another element of love and respect we have for our children. You can expect a lot more hair talk here in the coming month. Beautiful, sweet Mia deserves that from me.

Con mucho amor,